The why

Firstly lets look at my reason for escape, by escape I mean the need for a party, another session, basically more drink and drugs. So I hated my job, but who doesn’t? I wanted to be a tough guy, but many young men do, so why suicidal thoughts? Why would I get these thoughts of suicide and feelings and everyone else didn’t? Why me!?

The first thing you got to realise is fuck no, you are not alone. You read that right FUCK NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You see although I was ‘partying’ or it would seem ‘having a good time’, I was only doing it to escape thinking about responsibilities and life. This is what so many people do, we confuse short term satisfaction with long term issues. But although I thought I was the only one suffering, there was a fuck load of guys I knew who felt the same. It’s just taken years to surface and everyone talk more openly. Especially about mens mental health, the statistics are horrible for male suicide rates. 

Here is a delusion many men have.. If I am a man trying to act like a tough guy, pulling women and ‘living’ the high life, I couldn’t exactly tell people all my worries could I? What happens to my reputation? What if people judge me? What about if women don’t like the soft cunt? You see many of us ‘men’ get caught up in this male bravado, or macho image. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Thoughts on suicide are very common.. 

Maybe this is why men are so at risk of suicide? We lack connectivity, surround ourselves with other ‘macho’ men who then also ignore their real issues and we all board the dude train full of good times, beers, bags and loose women. We can’t talk about issues, we are having a great time together right? 

Until someone gets to low, then takes their own life, because the drink and drugs didn’t help. The rollercoaster of emotions fuelled by the drink and drugs has taken them so low that they finally take action on that suicidal thought. Now what? Who’s to blame? Why did they do it? They seemed so happy? 

We all have our own why’s on why we do what we do, how we deal with life’s stresses. For many men its drink and drugs, or constant nights out. For many men it’s because we are the alpha males.. You need to look at your own WHY, why you do what you do. Why you feel the way that you do and what you can do to try and change it.]

Drink and drugs for me please

I was drinking, taking drugs and chasing woman just so I didn’t have to think about my shitty job, with shitty pay and lack of a future. I mean that sounds absolutely crazy now, but we all do it in some way in life. We put things off all the time, just in different ways. The diet can start Monday, the saving can start when we get the pay rise, the new job will come one day. All of these excuses or procrastinations usually give us negative thoughts about our money, our health, our weight, our lifestyles. Yet we are to blame for not taking the action required.

Often I was looking for my escape and it came in the form of fake friends, wrong choices, short term satisfactions and bigger emotional rollercoasters. It was either think about my future, my career, take responsibility, take action, do the hard work, or…. Fuck it all off for another ‘fun filled’ night. 

Heres the catch 22.. Alcohol costs money, drugs cost money, which had to come from my shitty job, with a shitty pay. Multiple women, bad relationships and unprotected sex causes drama and that drama doesn’t include the drama from fighting on the nights out. The arguing and fighting was caused by too much drink and drugs, which then lead to even more aggro. But I was having fun right? I was with friends right? 

You see I have only now realised that these ‘friends’ are nothing more then people who will influence your poor choices in life, these are fake friends. At no point did any of my so called friends say “Jesus Fatz you’ve bought enough drugs and you’ve got bills coming out, calm down mate be sensible”. What I did get was “Come on bro get another bag in, its only 4:30am you can call in sick to work later let’s get on it more”.

Being alone was the worst I felt terrible, or when I thought about work. A feeling of being trapped, with no options, no money and no hope. I would often want to run away, hated the idea of being back at work and always being broke. This all vanished when we got a few beers in, then the dealer would turn up and presto, life all good again, for a few hours at least. 

The irony was I worked to afford the lifestyle I didn’t like and had no money from work, because of the drink and drugs.. 

But you see once the cocain is all sniffed, the beers are all gone, your in someones flat on a Monday morning and you’ve just fucked up with work again you start to think.. What was it all for? What did you get from it? Why does my head hurt so much and why do I feel so low? Why at 8am am I reaching for another beer to finish? Who is this woman asking for morning sex, does she not know we both got morning breath.. Erghh.. 

Fuck it my nose is blocked and I am still feeling a little wavy, may as well finish these beers carry on the party. Ive already fucked off work, there a few beers left and this women doesn’t really care. In her eyes and maybe even my ‘friends’ eyes we are still partying. I won’t tell them my fear, worry and anger about my actions, or the fact that I didn’t like this lying to my employer just to fuck up my life more. 

Think about it, you’ve spent a weeks wages on drink and drugs and now you have to go back to work, which you hate. Your so called ‘Friends’ are all gone, you’re back home and now you reflect on your actions. The thoughts of suicide come creeping back in. You’re alone. Back to work in the morning, to repeat the process and feel like absolute shit. Worse yet you see other people getting promotions, new cars, living ‘happier’ lifestyles. Why am I not going anywhere? I could do with a beer right now? Oh shit its back to the circle…