I lost her and It broke me 💔

Through my own poor choices, lack of commitment and not appreciating the good woman I had, I lost her and that ultimately broke me

You're stronger then you think

By Fatz

How do you start a blog about heartache and regret without sounding needy and soppy? 

Probably not like this, but its coming straight from my mind to this blog.

The massive guilt and regret I hold is horrible. But worse yet I feel it’s taught me the most valuable lessons about love, respect, honesty and more. 

 

It’s often our deepest regrets, losses and heartaches that teach us the biggest life lessons, through these we learn to grow. Well at least should learn to grow, but unfortunately so many don’t and repeat their actions and continuously blame others for their own faults. 

 

It’s here that unfortunately I had to learn the hard way, although it took me many chances and many years I finally lost one of the most amazing women to ever enter my life. This pain and anger at myself finally helped me rectify my actions and learn to never treat someone the same ever again. 

 

But I lost my best friend and my love in the process, I lost her and it broke me…

“If someone great walks into your life, appreciate that person or forever hold the pain of loosing that person. Worse yet you may have to watch them be happy with someone else again, knowing you had that” – Fatz 

Where the love story started

 

It all started many years ago when this woman, then a younger lady took a fancy to me. But I was not interested at all. She used to come and visit me at work all the time, constantly popping in with her sister and always being over friendly, it was clear she had a huge crush on me, yet nothing ever came of it for years. 

 

At the time we both had other partners, on off relationships but we remained friends or at least friendly.  At one point I went through a break up and she supported me through that, we became friendly through ups and downs. I was there for her and she was there for me.

As time went on we became friends, she still had a huge crush but I didn’t feel the same at the time. 

 

We remained nothing more than friends for some time, all the while we grow stronger, more friendly and closer over the years. Always supporting each other, it was a slow process but we grew.

The relationship 

 

It took some time but after years of friendship and denial, where everyone thought we was together anyway. I finally gave in I finally said yes to being with this amazing woman I said finally let’s try this relationship. To be fair she had already waited years, shown her crush by visiting me regularly at the very beginning and proven time and time again she would be there for me. 

 

At the start it was amazing, we was so happy and it was truly just us. We spent a lot of time together, started making memories and obviously everyone knew we was together, it was pure happiness. I was with my best friend as well as my girlfriend, it was all many wish for in life…

 

The caravan holidays

 

The caravan trips we shared were all so amazing, her mother owned a caravan so we had access whenever we wanted a getaway. We spent some time there with her family who I considered my own family, thats the bond we made over time. You know the bond when both families accept and love both partners both ways. 

 

Our caravan trips were so laid back and it was just relaxing to be with someone you love doing absolutely nothing together, but it meaning absolutely everything together. Quality time that you wish could last forever, but I took for granted. 

 

We even took my godson down to the caravan one time for a trip together, it was  like a little family, we was young happy, in love and enjoying quality time. The little one really loved it, we had the seaside arcade, games outside in the sun, also a great bakery down the road.

 

Another time years later I adopted a child of which this woman fully supported me with. We took this young lad called Briley and he’s friend to her fathers caravan place for a little holiday, it was full of laughs. We went canoeing, had BBQ’s and enjoyed games in the evening. We made some real memories you know? All this together whilst raising a boy together who wasn’t either of ours. 

 

Turkey holidays 

 

Our first holiday abroad was to turkey with her mum, stepdad, sister and her sisters friend. It was my first time abroad with any woman, so it was special and meant a lot, for me it felt so beautiful to be accepted into a family enough to want to take me away on a family holiday. 

 

Now this holiday was so good! We ended up laughing every time her sister and her sisters friend got food during the day, we nicknamed her sisters friend ‘burger mouth’, because they got chips and burgers everyday, sometimes twice haha. 

 

Also one night in my true fashion I got drunk, too excited too quick and ended up drinking too much. I went on a wonder, they couldn’t find me and it turns out I had locked myself  in the room as I fell asleep with the key in my on me. They had to get the spare key from reception. We joked about this for years after, I also got to drunk one night on many holidays after, always a night that we joked would happen every holiday haha!

 

 

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Raising a child together 

 

At one point during our relationship I was contact by my older cousin and he asked if I could take on he’s young boy who was 11 years old at the time. He was a troubled young lad who he’s mother and father didn’t know what to do with any more. 

 

I got a call on the Friday day time, on the Saturday day time myself and my girlfriend went to get him, she drove us to London and said “Let’s get him, before he goes into care”. This is a woman who straight away supported a family issue, happily helped me raise a child who wasn’t mine and even supported me when I broke down crying when things got tough. 

 

How many women would happily, without much notice fully support such a decision? This woman support my family and even helped raise the child herself, alongside me for roughly 4 years. That it’s self talks volumes to me, thats a great women to take such steps. 

 

If you don’t look after love you’ll lose it…

 

This is where I fucked up, this is where I lost my best friend and my love all in one, over a period of time. I guess I didn’t appreciate what I had, I didn’t appreciate the good woman I had at home. The same woman who supported me, helped me raise a child and who I made so many memories with.

 

These same memories I miss every single day, knowing I threw that away.

 

I’ve always liked a drink and had an issue with drugs but thats no excuse for my lack of respect, lack of care and lack of showing love. I could sit here all day saying how its everyone else’s fault. 

 

I could blame all my friends for encouraging bad behaviour for encouraging me to want to drink, take drugs and crave other women’s attention. But it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t the drugs or the drink. It wasn’t my amazing girlfriends fault either. 

 

It was me, it was all me for not having the strength to choose my best friend, my lover and letting it all slowly slip away. I started being off, wanting female attention, I stopped being in the relationship I was actually in. Posting seductive things online because I was in good shape, I was acting a prick and didn’t know I was hurting her  in the process or I didn’t care because I took it all for granted. 


Living with this guilt and heartache 

 

It’s destroyed me when I finally lost her, after breaking up and still having contact or still having control, still not appreciating the women I just lost as a girlfriend. 

I tried to move on fast, I tried to get over it and it never worked, I was always thinking of her and that still hurts to this day. 

 

But that said I learnt the most value lessons in love through this pain, don’t treat good people bad, don’t throw away love, don’t crave attention or follow false friend’s who don’t care about your relationships or mental health. 

I lost my best friend and my love through being a narcissistic, ego driven, attention seeking person. That broke me and changed me…

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