Why can't I open up?

Opening up and letting it out can help your mental health, but I can't seem to do that well.

You're stronger then you think

By Fatz

What can I say for a guy full of ideas, perceived knowledge and positivity I battle my demons just like anyone else. Although much of my time is spent making people smile, laugh or feel ok others can sometimes see the pain in my eyes. I often hear the “Fatz are you ok, honestly?”. That annoys me because I have to avoid it or just say I’m great… When we know that’s a lie.

I truly can’t come to terms with the fact that my mind works a million times faster then I want it to, always overthinking, over regretting and not being able to let go of my past. Why did she do that to me? Why did I have to be in that room that time? Why couldn’t I treat her right? Will I ever be enough? Do they like me now? Why couldn’t it have been me in that accident instead? 

“Avoiding peoples ‘talks’ has become a skill of mine, because I’m generally scared that if I opened up I become venerable. I know many feel the same way.” – Fatz 

I've never revealed all... maybe it would have helped

Over the years I’ve never really fully opened up to people, let them in. You know the thoughts, secretes, experiences. Yer the way I see it they are mine and I need to deal with them, why burden someone else with what goes through my mind when most people don’t care or won’t be around long enough to care. 

It’s all well and good people saying they will be there forever but to be honest with you i’m so used to people leaving or me messing up that i’ve just got used to dealing with my own issues and thoughts. That said, maybe thats the issue, maybe thats why i’ve fucked up in relationships or getting truly close to anyone!? 

I mean it would make perfect sense, i’m always so busy trying to please others or be a version of ‘cool’ that I end up playing myself or my partner in a relationship. Maybe if I forgot about being cool and just opened up with someone who loved me, maybe things would have been different… Interesting theory that I never thought about until I typed this.

Imagine it, opening up to someone you love and lightening your load, letting them in. Somone who listens, understands and tells you, you’re enough. Maybe this way we wouldn’t seek validation or acceptance from others because we’ve already revealed all and someones said we are still enough… wow…

Yet instead of this connectivity and acceptance, i’ve always wanted to please others, that meant more drugs, more drink, more fights and drama. But i’m cool now right!? I’m accepted now right!? 

Not really but I was left with more regret, wasted time, lost love, loosing opportunities and generally feeling alone at night overthinking my actions for years. 

I should have chose that opening tip option maybe…

Avoiding talks like a professional

Throughout all my years of drug abuse, drinking, violence, anger, depression and suicidal thoughts, i’ve always been consistent at avoiding opening up. That said its not often many want to talk it out, only the last few years more people see the pain in my eyes that they really ask “Fatz are you ok, are you sure”. But again what can I say to that!? 

How do you open up and tell people you’ve over thought suicide on a daily basis, beachy head, pills, carbon monoxide. All I know is that I would never want my family or friends to find my body, because thats traumatising and I don’t want to put someone I love through that. You see these are dark thoughts that I wouldn’t want to talk about, or flip side they think its attention and use it against me… 

The mind can play tricks on you, like you want to unload the thoughts, you want someone to talk to but never take people up on their offer due to fear or judgment. So it’s easier to bottle it up, live with the dark thoughts, live with the ever mounting regret and heartache. 

By heartache I mean I’ve ruined relationships with two amazing women and feel like my world crumbled without them both times, all because I was to busy trying to be ‘cool’ impressing others and never truly being the best version of me. Maybe if I opened up I could have found me sooner and never would have lost someone special… You see how opening up might help you become a better you, just an idea that i’m now seeing as im typing. 

And the regret, where do I start… Would I start at not being supportive enough when a ex and I went through a miscarriage, all because I couldn’t handle it. What about the numerous job opportunities or career paths i’ve messed up, the criminal record I racked up, the fights and violence that wasn’t needed. The regret of not being a better version of me, whilst my mother struggled and worried about me as I went off the rails on drink and drugs.

I already know i’ve hurt many people who didn’t deserve it and they would still be around if I wasn’t to set on ‘fitting in’ or being ‘cool’ for the acceptance of others.  

Yer I hold many regrets…

Maybe things will be different from here on

Looking back and realising i’ve never opened up, yet never been able to hold down a normal relationship they may have been related. Maybe the negative cycle of fake friends and poor choices fed my bad habits, which gave me regrets and then that gave me mental health issues, which lead me to wanting to end life or hold on to a never ending self hate for messing up so much. 

Thats a hard pill to swallow, but maybe that holds some value as we’re opening up here and im typing freely. 

Maybe i’ll open up one day, talk about it all, let someone in and finally rest from the never ending cycle of negativity in my mind I ignore daily. Ive got too much positivity to give to allow my own negativity take control. 

You see talking about it may help, as sharing this small part has let me think about opening up and how things may have been different if I would have opened up sooner.

"If you've changed your ways don't keep beating yourself up and punishing yourself for your past. You're not that person any more, so don't convict a innocent person..."

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